Thoughts on games, work, and… well, mostly games

2010 has been a dramatic year for me.

My wife and I had a daughter, Izzy, and we’re loving every minute of her. I got promoted at work and hit a 5-year milestone, and am enjoying getting accustomed to new responsibilities and authorities. There’s been a lot of family drama that I’m eager to see my way past.

When I look back on the year, I think about how little time I spent on my biggest passion: games. 2010 was supposed to be the year I released a casual game for Xbox Live Indie Games. That didn’t happen. I spent part of the year musing on open world games and came really close to galvanizing an idea for one of my own. I played several new games this year, but finished few of them.

Time is a slippery bitch. Outside of my day job, I’ve done a terrible job wrangling it this year. I slept too much, I watched too much TV and movies, and generally spread myself too thin on things that weren’t a) important or b) on the way toward following my bliss.

As a result, I have very little to show Mr. Maslow when he comes to assess my progress for 2010.

My wife says I’m too hard on myself. First, there’s my day job, which I excel at and take pride in.  Then, honestly, the whole second half of the year was spent primarily (and rightly so) on baby Izzy (though I hasten to say I didn’t do remotely as much work as she did).  But despite that, there were still lots of opportunities to create something, or part of something, and I didn’t seize them, opting instead to “relax” and using baby duties, the rigors of my day job, or other concerns as my hall pass.

2010 has left me with a distinct feeling of “fizzle” with regard to my gaming hobby.  I’ve been rubbing two sticks together all year.  I’ve created a lot of smoke, and some big sparks, but haven’t sustained a flame.  I recall having read lots of blogs in the indie game community that talked about time management and motivation.  They all read great, but ultimately failed to provide any gasoline for the fire.  Or they would have, but something I’m doing snuffed it.

I’m not guilty of not having tried.  I actually wrote some playable game code this year.  But I lost interest fast.  Here’s the weird thing: it’s not that I became overwhelmed, but bored.  It’s as if I could see the end result in my head and imagined playing it a thousand times in a thousand different ways, exhausting any replay value it had before it was ever created.  Any pleasure I’d glean from seeing the game realized would be quickly nullified by my detailed knowledge of how it works, what it can do, and what will happen next.  I’ve already played the game in my head.  What does playing it for real get me?  Working on it felt like a chore; like I was repeating work that was never done, with effort that would be better spent fleshing out the next big idea.

That’s got to be some kind of sickness.  I have got to get over it.

That’s what I want to do in 2011.  My 2011 Resolution: build something–in spite of myself, for better or worse–and see how I feel after it’s done.  I figure one of two things will happen:

1. I’ll still be unfulfilled, but at least I’ll know why and can adjust my inner hobbyist’s expectations accordingly, or
2. I’ll discover this sense of gratification that everybody’s talking about, and suddenly be empowered to make the next great American video game.

Yes, one of those two things will happen.

(As a side effect, I’m going to blog more often.  I also resolve to write at least 52 blog posts in 2011: one a week.)